This is the story of how I nearly killed myself after a one-night stand. It begins with the Yahoo IM transcript:
Me (9:57:37 PM): hi :)
“Him”(9:57:49 PM): hi
Me (9:57:54 PM): can you talk?
“Him”(9:58:05 PM): no
Me (9:58:10 PM): oh ok
Me (9:58:34 PM): locked up for the night?
“Him”(9:58:40 PM): no
“Him”(9:59:13 PM): now i am
Me (9:59:14 PM): mm am i bothering you?
“Him”(9:59:23 PM): no
Me (9:59:39 PM): busy?
“Him”(9:59:42 PM): no
Me (9:59:45 PM): can you tell me what's wrong?
“Him”(9:59:54 PM): well
“Him”(10:00:04 PM): do u wanna know
Me (10:00:06 PM): yea
Me (10:00:14 PM): but the way you say that makes me nervous
“Him”(10:00:22 PM): i feel awful
Me (10:00:30 PM): sick or emotionally?
“Him”(10:00:32 PM): both
Me (10:00:38 PM): why emotionally? i know why sick
“Him”(10:01:05 PM): i just feel that it was kind of a mistake
Me (10:01:13 PM): oh
“Him”(10:01:29 PM): my mom asked me about a dozen times now if i was w/ any1 she would be mad about [lived at home with his parents, mama's boy]
“Him”(10:01:44 PM): and i keep saying no and feel worse each time
Me (10:02:22 PM): well
Me (10:02:26 PM): i'm sorry
Me (10:02:34 PM): i shouldn't have given in
Me (10:04:26 PM): so you wanna cool it?
“Him”(10:04:35 PM): explain
Me (10:04:39 PM): like
Me (10:04:49 PM): back off? stop talking, that kind of thing?
“Him”(10:04:58 PM): idk
“Him”(10:05:20 PM): i just feel like an asshole for doing it
Me (10:05:37 PM): yeah that's the kind of feeling i was hoping you'd have /sarcasm
Me (10:06:15 PM): well so what do you want to do
“Him”(10:06:28 PM): i dunno
Me (10:06:34 PM): i'm thinkin you don't feel the same way about me anymore
Me (10:06:47 PM): correct?
“Him”(10:06:53 PM): no
“Him”(10:07:02 PM): i was confused though
Me (10:07:08 PM): about?
“Him”(10:07:27 PM): i dunno
Me (10:07:39 PM): please. explain. try to be fair to me...
“Him”(10:07:45 PM): im sry
Me (10:07:52 PM): for?
“Him”(10:08:06 PM): for being how i am
Me (10:08:10 PM): which is?
Me (10:08:31 PM): look...you love me or not?
“Him”(10:08:34 PM): im not sure
Me (10:08:37 PM): oh
“Him”(10:08:45 PM): i love you but im not in love w/ u
Me (10:09:08 PM): wow
“Him”(10:09:16 PM): sorry
“Him”(10:09:27 PM): now i feel worse
Me (10:09:44 PM): why did you say you were
Me (10:09:54 PM): i asked you not to lie to me
“Him”(10:10:01 PM): i dont think i did
Me (10:10:08 PM): uh
Me (10:10:18 PM): i asked if you were in love very specifically
“Him”(10:10:43 PM): i thought i would say i dont know
Me (10:10:49 PM): no, you didn't
Me (10:11:01 PM): wtfever
Me (10:11:21 PM): so you just used me and drop me now
“Him”(10:11:29 PM): be realistic, what did u think was gonna happen
“Him”(10:11:30 PM): and no
Me (10:11:45 PM): well i sure didn't expect this to happen
Me (10:12:10 PM): why tell someone you love them when you don't
Me (10:12:16 PM): that's pretty fucking shitty
“Him”(10:12:31 PM): look i felt one way and now i feel differently
Me (10:12:47 PM): k
“Him”(10:12:48 PM): if u could feel how bad i feel about lieing
Me (10:13:04 PM): you think i feel good about lying?
“Him”(10:13:11 PM): know
“Him”(10:13:13 PM): no
Me (10:13:31 PM): feeling pretty fucking stupid now
“Him”(10:13:45 PM): that makes 2 of us
Me (10:14:05 PM): and when did you realize you didn't love me
“Him”(10:14:19 PM): well
“Him”(10:14:29 PM): when i just looked at the situation
“Him”(10:14:41 PM): its everything
Me (10:14:48 PM): so please explain
“Him”(10:14:58 PM): well
“Him”(10:15:41 PM): well im sorry but the age difference, the asshole husband of yours, and all that
Me (10:15:52 PM): what's Husband got to do with it
“Him”(10:16:14 PM): i dont feel good about doing that w/ someones wife
Me (10:16:40 PM): thanks for developing a conscience now and not before
“Him”(10:17:12 PM): i dont think you understand
Me (10:17:17 PM): then explain
“Him”(10:17:31 PM): look i dont know how to fucking explain i just feel shitty about doing it
Me (10:17:41 PM): and that made you not love me, right?
“Him”(10:18:01 PM): well
Me (10:18:06 PM): and what are you getting mad at me for?
Me (10:18:21 PM): i'm not the one breaking your heart here
“Him”(10:18:58 PM): i dont know how to explain
“Him”(10:19:01 PM): um
Me (10:19:04 PM): try please
“Him”(10:19:16 PM): i um
“Him”(10:19:42 PM): i think you just kinda moved fast and i wasnt ready and was trying to keep up
Me (10:19:50 PM): oh
“Him”(10:19:53 PM): and didnt say anything
Me (10:19:56 PM): so it's my fault
“Him”(10:20:03 PM): no
Me (10:20:03 PM): yah ok
“Him”(10:20:06 PM): dont be like that
Me (10:20:12 PM): that's what i'm used to
“Him”(10:20:45 PM): i think im gonna go ahead and go...maybe i can talk to you when you wanna be more rational
Me (10:20:51 PM): please don't
Me (10:20:59 PM): i need to know
Me (10:21:03 PM): please
“Him”(10:21:07 PM): well i feel like you're heated up right now
Me (10:21:17 PM): i'm hurt...like you don't know how
“Him”(10:21:20 PM): and i dont want either of us to say things that would be stupid
Me (10:21:28 PM): please
Me (10:21:34 PM): explain i just need to know
“Him”(10:21:46 PM): im trying, its hard
Me (10:21:54 PM): ok just keep going
Me (10:22:00 PM): i'll try not to make it worse
Me (10:22:16 PM): so we're at i went too fast
Me (10:22:31 PM): and so now that you've met me you realize it's not "there" for you, right?
“Him”(10:23:02 PM): that i realised i wasnt in love?
Me (10:23:06 PM): yes
“Him”(10:23:11 PM): well..yeah
Me (10:23:34 PM): so ... why tell me you were so many times last night. i know you were drunk. but you told me again this morning
“Him”(10:24:01 PM): i say i love you because i do
“Him”(10:24:11 PM): but i love you like i would a good friend
Me (10:24:34 PM): yeah...ok...well advice; don't do that anymore when you know that someone's in love
“Him”(10:25:36 PM): and i didnt start feeling completely sick until i got home
“Him”(10:26:15 PM): sick meaning both physically and emotionally
Me (10:26:38 PM): why would you feel emotionally sick? you're off the hoook
Me (10:26:50 PM): you should feel liberated
“Him”(10:26:55 PM): you think i like having you upset?
“Him”(10:27:02 PM): i feel awful about it
Me (10:27:06 PM): it doesn't matter
Me (10:27:29 PM): like i told you, i've been down this road before
“Him”(10:27:44 PM): w/e its different
Me (10:27:58 PM): really wish you'd have told me this before
“Him”(10:28:04 PM): look i didnt know
Me (10:28:18 PM): i should have listened to my instinct and called it off myself.
Me (10:28:35 PM): now i feel like a complete idiot
“Him”(10:29:35 PM): but tell me honestly what you thought would happen wish us
Me (10:30:09 PM): what i hoped or what i thought would actually happen?
“Him”(10:30:20 PM): tell me both
Me (10:30:39 PM): i really don't wanna explain what i hoped because it's just embarassing now
Me (10:30:52 PM): but i figured we'd see each other a few more times and then it'd fade or something
Me (10:31:29 PM): how am i for predicting the future? i told you you'd break my heart
Me (10:31:50 PM): just didn't realize it'd be this soon
“Him”(10:32:01 PM): ive never really lied to my mom about anything before and i feel like a complete asshole
“Him”(10:32:14 PM): and it would make it worse if i was in love w/ u
Me (10:32:23 PM): how?
“Him”(10:32:29 PM): umm
“Him”(10:32:30 PM): well
“Him”(10:32:59 PM): i would feel worse about it cuz i would be lying even more
Me (10:33:45 PM): i don't know what to do
Me (10:34:13 PM): the worst part almost is feeling so fucking stupid
“Him”(10:34:17 PM): look i dont even know why you would be in love w/ me
Me (10:34:25 PM): oh that's nice
“Him”(10:34:47 PM): i seriously dont think im anything special
Me (10:35:02 PM): well you were to me
Me (10:35:23 PM): not that it matters now
“Him”(10:35:32 PM): good night, sorry to have hurt you
Me (10:35:37 PM): no please
...and he logged off.
When I finished with this chat, I was - in a word - devastated. That word sounds so small compared to how I felt. I felt stupid more than anything. Stupid and so lost.
My kids were at my mom's house. Husband was at His friend's house 2 hours away. I was totally alone. I cried. Angry. Crushed. Then ... numb and resigned to what I knew I was going to do.
I still tried reaching out to anyone I could. Part of me still knew it was wrong. I messaged one friend on my cell phone. "If you can talk i need you now i wanna die." I didn't hear back from him.
I messaged another friend on Yahoo:
Me (9/23/2006 10:15:20 PM): please come on i need you now more than ever...things have gotten so much worse...i wanna die
Me (9/23/2006 10:52:29 PM): he just told me he's not in love with me after all
I got no response. He wasn't on.
I tried calling Husband but the call didn't go through.
I was reaching out to anyone. I felt hopeless and lost. As a last resort I messaged yet another friend on Steam. I knew that friend was a bad one to go to but he was the only one on.
He had no sympathy for what I had done - cheating on my husband. I don't remember very well what I said, just that I really needed to talk to him on Yahoo. When he signed on he either didn't take the way I was feeling seriously or didn't care. I prefer to think I just wasn't believable. He was pretty much egging me on, telling me to buck up and take it and that if I really wanted to do it he'd supply someone's gun for me.
I was already up and looking for the gun we keep in the house. I found Husband's box of kitchen knives that I bought him for Christmas and considered that, but I didn't want to turn something I had given him in love into a weapon. And I was afraid of the pain.
I looked for the gun in the hall on top of the dresser where I thought it was, but I couldn't find the box. And I also couldn't find the key to the box which Husband put up on top of the door frame in the living room. It was too high up for me to reach, so I got a brush and was skimming it along the top trying to knock it down. I was going to put the gun under my chin in the bathtub so I wouldn't make too much of a mess in the house. I never could get the key or the gun.
I gave up and came back to the computer and started researching suicide methods through Google. I found a page that listed things like carbon dioxide poisoning through car exhaust, hanging, and overdose. The only one that seemed doable was overdose of sleeping pills. I remembered when I had placed an order through drugstore.com I had bought a jar of Tylenol PMs for our trip to Florida. Maybe that would work.
I signed off of Yahoo when that friend started yelling at me (typing in all caps, same thing).
Friend (9/23/2006 11:14:38 PM): tink, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Me (9/23/2006 11:14:41 PM): ok
Me (9/23/2006 11:14:43 PM): bye
Friend (9/23/2006 11:14:43 PM): i'm not fucking done talking.
I went out to the van and got the bottle of Grey Goose Vodka that was leftover. Tears were running down my face but I wasn't really making any sounds. I'm numb. I just have to end it. I've ruined everything and for nothing. I didn't care about anyone or anything. I had only loathing of myself left. It almost felt like some external force driving me. I was robotic.
I took the vodka and the Tylenol PM upstairs. I searched the medicine cabinet downstairs before I went; and then searched the one upstairs and got a box of Drixoral. It wasn't full, but it had a lot left. I didn't care. I would just take it all. Maybe one would work.
I locked the door when I went to my room. Sat down on my bed and pulled a trash bag close to me in case I puked while I was dying.
I guess I didn't want to die totally alone, so I signed back on to Yahoo on my laptop. That friend was still on. He was still yelling at me, I think. I really don't remember what was said. I'll put that in this story later when I can check my laptop.
I popped all the Drixoral pills that were left out of the packets and cupped them in my hand. I tossed them all in my mouth and chased it with vodka. I wasn't crying anymore. Just focused on what I was doing.
Next I opened the Tylenol PM and started "drinking" the pills out of the bottle. Again chasing with the vodka. I guess I took all 100 of the pills in about four or five doses. I couldn't drink anymore vodka because I really hate the taste so I started chasing it with a bottle of Gatorade I had nearby.
In the middle of taking the Tylenol PM I got a phone call from another friend. I don't know why, but I answered it and hit the speakerphone so I could keep chugging the pills and vodka. He asked me what I was doing, what I was taking. Apparently the first friend had told him what I was doing. I told him it was too late and I wouldn't tell him what I was taking. I said I was gone and to let me go. He was begging me to call someone and get help. I told him I couldn't. They would take my kids. I was crying and talking. I know I repeated myself a lot. He told me I was like a second mother to him. I told him I just couldn't stay. He asked me what Husband's cell phone number was, and for some reason I told him. I was crying mostly saying "he said he loves me but he doesn't."
After I was done with the bottle, another guy called in and I switched over and answered it. He was talking kindly to me trying to get me to tell him what I took.
I was kinda talking to all of them on Yahoo as much as I could do. I was very drunk and drugged by this point. That guy was asking me also what I took and where I was. I wouldn't tell him. And I lied and said I was by a river. I didn't want to be found. I wanted it to be over. I was lying on my left side and getting weak. I felt it coming and told them it was going to end soon. I wasn't scared at all. I felt only relief.
I asked him to pray for my forgiveness. I asked God to forgive me too. I don't know if He would have, but I asked anyway.
While I was talking to them I heard the doorbell buzzing under my room. I accidentally said something about the doorbell to them on the phone which gave away the fact that I was in my house. I still tried to lie and say I was at the river. How they believed I was talking on IM at the river....I don't know. I kept the lie up anyway. I don't know that I've ever lied more in my life than that weekend.
I was fading. I was going and I was so relieved. I didn't want to feel anymore.
Then Husband called in. I switched over and answered. This phone call I don't remember much. I told him I cheated on him and that I couldn't stay. Then he says I told him I was going to jump off the bridge and said he didn't need to hear it. Then I hung up.
But now, I hear my mom calling me.
And I hear the police yelling for me, walking through my house. If I had been sober and undrugged I would've been pissed. I still thought I was gonna get away - slip away. My door was locked. They kept asking me to open the door. I couldn't move to do it. I kept saying I'm just drunk, leave me alone. But they wouldn't believe me and leave.
One policeman yelled at me to open the door or he's gonna have to kick it in. I said to go ahead and do it because I really couldn't move. So he kicked it in.
They come in and ask me what I took. I kept saying I was just drunk and wouldn't answer.
They saw the trashbag where I threw away the pill boxes and bottles and got them out. They kept asking me what I took. Meantime they were calling an ambulance.
My mom was in there with the two policemen. I couldn't open my eyes to look at them much. I knew I had to pee really bad though. Of all things....
I think I asked the one policeman at the end of my bed what his name was. I think I told him I was an idiot. It's very fuzzy now.
The paramedics showed up, two women. They also asked me what I took, but I still wouldn't say. I still wanted to die. I figured if I stalled long enough that they wouldn't have time to resuscitate me and the pills would end me.
The hallway to my room makes it so there's no possible way they could get me out of there on a stretcher. They wanted me to walk....
I said I would walk if I could go pee first. I really had to go bad. So one of the paramedic ladies gave me a rubber-gloved hand and helped me up. They made me feel guilty about taking too long by saying they were needed for a guy who was having a heart-attack. I told them to leave me and go take care of him. I got up and I staggered like my legs were rubber but I made it up. I staggered to the bathroom. They made me leave the door open. I didn't care. I just had to pee bad.
So I staggered down the stairs slowly, they were holding onto me. I don't remember much after that. I just have flashes of memory. I remember lying down on the stretcher. I remember the bright lights of the ambulance interior. I remember them asking me why I did it....how do I tell them why I did it? All I can say is that he said he loved me but he doesn't.
I don't remember any of the ride to the hospital. Were the emergency lights on? I don't know.
Next thing I remember is being in the ER. The nurses were being harsh with me. It's like "oh, that hurts to have a catheter? GOOD! That'll teach you."
I was pierced, poked and prodded. Needles and catheters and heart monitors and oxygen. I kept talking, rambling on like this was the time of my life. I don't remember what I was saying, just that I was talking what felt like non-stop. Trying to joke and be nice. I just didn't want them to hate me. I already hated me.
They put a plastic device in my mouth to keep it open while they shoved the tube filled with charcoal in it. They started shoving the tube down my throat and told me to swallow. I did it fairly well. I was being very obedient. As much as I could anyway. They filled up my stomach with charcoal and then they sucked it back out. I remember them saying something about there not being much blue - I'm assuming they meant the pills. It had been over an hour since I took those pills. They were probably pretty well absorbed by then.
Next thing I remember was them pulling the tube out and telling me to cough to get it up. Coughing. Yes, the magic combination for puking your guts out. I started puking, guts and all. I felt it run down my chest, over my shoulders, into my hair. I was puking so hard I felt it going up my nose. I couldn't breathe because the oxygen tube was in my nose blocking the exit of the puke. I reached up to try to take out the oxygen tube and they grabbed my hands and held me down. I was pissed off! Here they are trying to save me and they are choking me to death. I was still throwing up and not able to breathe in the least bit during the retching.
When I was finally able to breathe I gasped very loudly. They finally let go of my hands. Four times I threw up harder than I have ever thrown up before. Every time was all over myself. And every time they held down my hands so I couldn't pull out the oxygen tube. I'm still mad about that. That was the scariest part to me. Why give me oxygen? So I can breathe....right? But I couldn't breathe and they wouldn't let me make myself able to. I was too out of it to tell them I needed to have it out during my puking.
My mom came in to see me and I thought she was a nurse. I told her she looked like my mom. Husband came in too. I don't remember talking with him much beyond “I'm sorry.”
I didn't know this at the time - because I didn't know much of anything - but they had pulled my family and my husband aside and told them I was likely to die because of the amount of Tylenol PM I took along with the alcohol. It was ten times the lethal dose. It causes the liver to start producing an enzyme which eventually shuts the liver down and causes death. And if, by some miracle, I did live, my liver was probably going to be permanently damaged. Damaged to where I would probably die from it in a relatively short time.
I'm not going to detail the rest much except to say that my whole family came to see me. My sister from 3 hours away; my brother and sister-in-law from 45 minutes away; my father cut his Florida trip short and drove up. Everyone was there at one point. Husband had raced back from his friend's house when I told him I was gonna jump off the bridge. He thought I was already dead.
I was feeling the effects of the drugs and alcohol for a day and a half. I spent that time in ICU. They were filling me up through my IV with an antidote to the acetaminophen that was gonna kill my liver - and me. I slept or passed out most of the time. When I was awake, I couldn't see well. Everything was vibrating. My eyes or my head was screwed up. I'm not sure which. Probably both. Above all I didn't want a lecture from anyone. I already felt bad enough.
I saw a doctor and a psychiatrist. They asked me if I still wanted to die. I told them I had made a terrible mistake and I wanted to live. Husband was there with me a lot. I told him I was sorry and I didn't want to get better if he wasn't going to be there with me. He just wanted me to get better. And he forgave me. And he still loved me.
I got good news on the second day. The doctor said my liver was functioning and almost back to normal. It's truly a miracle. Husband tells me God gave me a second chance and I need to make it a good one. I went into the hospital early Sunday morning and was released from the hospital on a Tuesday evening.
TIP: When someone's suicidal, don’t egg them on. They might be encouraged to do it just to prove your sorry ass wrong.
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